Alternative Endings to The Ladykillers
I
Holed up in the rehearsal room,
each criminal in turn reveals he is an undercover policeman,
secretly working to undo the others.
In order to hide their embarrassment,
they frame Mrs Wilberforce, convincing their superiors
that she is a descendant of both Moriarty and Charlie Peace.
II
One-Round liberates his cello from the front door,
incident free. The gang are away!
Years later, they’re found dead in a coal scuttle.
III
Hidden in the loot, an electronic tracking device.
Everyone is singing around the piano when the police arrive.
Thinking fast, the criminals forcibly swap clothes
with the enchantment of pensioners.
Police marksmen are sufficiently fooled,
the crooks escaping with the lolly
while the sergeant kneels by Amelia’s body.
IV
The Professor and Louis are all that’s left.
Knowing they have shed the weak of heart and head,
they celebrate by murdering Mrs Wilberforce
with her own parrot.
Rich beyond their imaginings but indelibly scarred,
they take to the cobbles
and as they slope into the shadows
their faces become absurd caricatures
with throbbing eyes, ursine incisors.
V
Mrs Wilberforce, convinced she is a de facto hoodlum,
acquiesces to not telling the police
but insists she must join the gang.
Quickly displaying not only a knack
but a penchant for misdemeanours,
she soon organises the caper of the century:
the theft of the moon and the stars.
The film ends with the line:
‘And I know just how to do it.’
VI
Harry is cunning when escaping with the money.
He manages to drop from the bridge,
landing safely in a goods truck,
laughing with the coal dust.
In the present day, Chief Inspector Lightoller
ruminates on a murder scene,
the victim killed simultaneously by knife,
thorough pummeling and scarf-assisted strangulation.
A cult? He lights his pipe.
A ritual?
A conspiracy?
